Frani Fox Part 1

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

FRANI FOX

PART 1

FF our younger son in my sorrow has said mom the Lord is your shepherd you have all that you need

KELLY

A Psalm of David. 23 says

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.[a]

3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness[b] for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[c] I will fear no evil,

for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

6 Surely[d] goodness and mercy[e] shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell[f] in the house of the Lord Forever.[g]

KELLY

There was a woman who moved to my town some years ago. She brought the ocean with her in her eyes. She had golden hair, and when she smiled at you, you felt like the most important person in the world. Fourteen years later, she was crying in my living room, and I took her into my home while she experienced the unimaginable.

Her name was Frani with an I, and her story reminds me that this podcast is a paradox. We try to tell people’s stories, but so often their stories escape words. Frani is a simple woman. She believes in love, not words. But her story is simply one of those that must be told or at least, we must try. “The LORD is my shepherd” has been the overarching theme of Frani Fox’s life. But her story starts before she was born, with a mother whose life would be a foreshadowing of her daughter’s. Catherine, Frani’s mother, told me what it was like to be a Christian in a home where that was thought to be archaic.

Growing Up with Loss and Uncertainty

KA Where were you born?

CC Where was I born?

KA Yes.

CC In Maryland?

KA What part?

CC Frederick. And we're

in Baltimore. Maryland when I was three years old.

KA So you had a mom and a dad,

CCand three brothers and a half sister.

CC Oh, wow.

KA Where are you in birth order?

oldest my half sister and my brother and myself.

KA Okay, you're kind of middle.

In order to go from Maryland.

CC We lived. I was raised in California. Okay. And really the whole

essence of California, other than some time in Colorado.

KA So did you go to high school?

And what did you like to do? Do you have any hobbies, sir?

CC Yeah, I'm kind of on the artistic side. I like to draw paint and everything. It's been a while. Yeah.

KA Wow. So what was your favorite subject in school was at our. And then you

graduated from high school? And what happened next?

CC I was married very young. The fact I was married senior year in high school. School.

KA What class were you in to get

that

CC we're not going to a football game?

KA And was he a senior?

CC No, we were both in the same grade. We were very, very

young. So they're like, 16,16. I

was married.

KA Wow. Yeah.

Did your parents are they okay with it?

CC No. My parents weren't okay with me. I became a Christian at 16. I

was not

that was an acceptable in my family. And so, you know, my life was

pretty typical childhood up until I became Christian.

KA Wow. So you became a Christian? How did that come about?

There was a young couple that lived down the street that were

involved in student ministries. wonderful couple. And they introduced

me to the Lord.

KA And what about your husband?

CC And he was also introduced to the Lord center? Yeah, so we are

serious about very serious for being as young as we were. We were

hard working ambitious.

Kids. Yeah. Yeah, we were took lifers seriously.

KA So what kind of wedding Did you?

CC I ran away got married.

KA Okay.

CC Yeah. Well, I didn't run away. I had moved out of the house, and decided to get married. My mother side. And so and of course, I

understand that now as an adult. It was.

KA Yeah, yeah. That's hard.

CC But there was a turbulent time in my life.

KA Was it turbulent because of the conflict with your parents because

of your belief system?

CC That was a lot of my father, my grandfather, essentially, a

pastor. And my father turned away from the faith completely. So for

me to accept the faith. Just was unacceptable to him.

KA Wow. Yeah. And so.

So what drew you to the faith? That couple?

CC The couple introduced me to the LORD. Now, that's not right. They

gave me the opportunity to pictures and that sort of thing. So this

is meant to this little Baptist Church, a pastor, there was a

Hellfire and brimstone.Talking about you know how you're going to go to hell if you didn't

hear any of it. What I heard was, Jesus loves you profoundly. And I

believed and I felt I felt almost like oh, tell us to keep Almost

like a honey or like something physically, I felt that. So, so the

ark in his father was a very intelligent man very,

very progressive and his thinking and gave me every argument against

him. But he couldn't persuade me and that was difficult for him. Can

I remember a time that you said to me? Can you believe? How can you

believe that archaic? Nonsense? And I said, I don't I'm a 16 year

old. I don't know. I don't know. But I do know that it's true. Myself

hear his voice. Because he was raised and rejected when he was in my

eyes, very powerful, man. Right. So to see fear in my father's eyes

was something

that that stuck with you that conviction. This is, this is my life.

I just knew that Jesus was real, and have a real desire to love me.

Finding Identity and Worth in Christ

KELLY

Catherine had encountered something so real, she could hardly describe it. She had encountered truth. Her life would never be the same.

The generations after her would be marked by that truth, but it wouldn’t be easy to hold onto it.

KA And this so beautiful, and I love to

Wow. So you ran off and got married.

But I did.

KA And in so you were 17. Okay, and then what they

did you have jobs?

CC Gosh, yeah, we were very ambitious. Got a business and mighty Oh,

my goodness. Yeah. And my husband worked as a retail clerk. And I

worked in the full pizza joint. Yes. had babies, my babies, and how

old were maybe a while I was 18 when my son was 19 when my daughter

was born, and then had another one at 22 Yeah, we were ridiculous orI

don’t know.

KA What was he like?

CC he was very good looking. He was good. He was. We could laugh and

laugh, laugh. He was funny. very ambitious, very hardworking. lot of

wonderful things.

KA And so at some point,

CC at some point we lost him

Well, I neglected to say that it was self inflicted. There is a

unique kind of grief associated with that, in that you feel.

And I think I'm speaking for myself, but I think I think this

would apply to other people who have gone through my

understanding anyway. As far as I'm concerned, I'm sorry.

There's, there's a feeling of responsibility. There's a feeling

of survivor's guilt. And maybe that's due to the abuse. But I

have to say, it took me decades to learn that

the responsibility that someone feels at that time is so

inappropriate, inappropriate, and even at the time that it

happened. I told myself, it's not your fault. It's not your

fault. But in my heart, I felt that I could have done something

to stop that gift and anything. That's God's place. You know, I

realized and I guess I said to kids, like you're playing God by

accepting that responsibility. So if there's anyone else out

there listening,

God is the answer is the answer. And I will say, at the time this

happened, I had one of the most beautiful experiences in my entire

life,

GOD IS THE ANSWER

KELLY

Frani’s mother saw that the Lord really was her shepherd

after her husband took his life. She felt God’s nearness. She felt him healing her heart and soul through that relationship. And as her daughter grew older, she handed that faith down to her.

FRANI

I was 15 I met this young guy who was as troubled as I was

and he gave me a note and he said my mom is in a mental hospital I’m so embarrassed she’s tried to kill herself and I thought oh what’s the big deal my dad killed himself I didn’t even understand the weight of that it just was a part of my life and so we became real close friends very deep friends

He would tell me you’re such a colorful person and he was so troubled and I was such a stable force for him they

used to call him my shadow because we were together 24 seven

KELLY

As Frani became a young woman, she was faced with a lot of the same choices as her mother. Her path would be different, but in many ways it would be the same.

Coping with Suicide and Generational Trauma

FF Hi Kelly thank you for having me

KA So generally what we do is we start with peoples childhood so is there anything significant in your childhood that you’d like to share

FF I have quite an interesting childhood and it’s different than a lot of peoples childhood my my parents got married very young at 18 or so and had three children by the time they were 21 my dad committed suicide when he was 24 leaving my mom with a five-year-old a four-year-old and a two-year-old

KA And which one are you in that?

FF I am the four-year-old I’m the middle child and I do have significant memory of the funeral and the flowers and have my mom telling me of his death so that’s a significant piece of my early childhood

KA That’s a lot

KELLY

KA Did you move or did something happen in your family

FF My mom remarried she married another man right away

all three of us children they were married a few years

two or three and then he had an affair and left and we

but I have not seen him since I was probably eight years old KA OK

FF so another significant loss

KA yes

FF But I did enjoy that part of life that two years or so that they

were married it was a KA ok and you were in FF I was in 2nd grade KA ok

happy time for us for or for me school then

and out of it.

Frani grew up in beautiful Riverside County, California,

just over an hour from the Pacific Ocean. But despite

growing up in such a romantic place, her friends never

wanted to come play at her house.

left my mom moved to a small town nearby and we

FF And at the time he

started new schools in that was very that was a very difficult period

and he adopted I don’t know kept his name

of time because I didn’t fit in in the new school so there was a lot of insecurity and conflict for me on the inside I didn’t feel smart or accepted in the new school my mom ended up meeting another man who she married when I was nine and they were married 22 years and then he had an affair and left so that’s the significant men that I experienced in my life as a as a child and a teenager growing up

KA That’s a lot

FF A lot of loss yes

KA That’s a lot of loss so how do you think that you have like in your childhood how did you deal with that

HOW DO YOU COPE WITH LOSS

FF I thank the year that we moved to the new town I was in third grade and by fourth grade I was already getting in trouble doing things that I don’t think most fourth grade girls do saying the F word and doing things you know that part really right at school and my mom who is a wonderful woman and a fighter put me in a Christian school and I was able to start hearing good things about God and there’s a little more boundaries to my life I started to feel more like a young child not just somebody he was getting in trouble and there was a stable. In that time where we were in private Christian school and my third stepdad was a good provider so we had a nice childhood at that time

KA OK

FF well he was not the nicest person verbally abusive and threatening but it was still a nice time in the house if that makes any sense

KA The nice time with spore about your provided with

FF What we were provided with in the stability of in the regularity of the the same school you know all three of us children living together because for a time went between the second and the third dad my brother went to live with my grandparents my mom was single and it feels scary there were they were just things about the home at that time didn’t feel secure like a family wow my third step dad was significantly mean he’s here my friends but I had become a custom to him and I could handle that

KA wow that’s so your friends didn’t like to be around him

FF No my friends were very scared of him he was very threatening

KA Even to your friends

FF Uh huh he had away in the home that was dominant and aggressive he had a chair that we weren’t allowed to sit in we weren’t allowed to watch TV we weren’t allowed to eat food unless we asked him we had to ask for everything we had to wear two pairs of socks at night otherwise he charged us money because he didn’t want to pay doctor bills so there are a lot of rules that I didn’t even know were unusual at the time but I didn’t know that he wasn’t nice although I did grow to love him after all the years and I saw his own insecurities and I could just see through that brash exterior and see

that he was a troubled person as I got older so when he did end up leaving I was probably in my early 30s and I did miss him

KA wow so have you had any contact with him

FF None of nope nothing

KELLY

Frani’s life became a battle between truth and lies. Her three dads each spoke a message into her life before they left. She learned from them that she was

unworthy of attention, commitment, or love. And she spent the next decades of her life trying to figure out whether

those messages were truths or lies.

WHAT CAUSES FEELING UNWORTHY

I also looked at my dad‘s death certificate because I was unaware of anything nothing was very clear and in fact I wasn’t even aware that he committed suicide until I was 15 and I thought it was a hunting accident and one of my friends mothers told me I have no idea why she felt that was in her power her responsibility to tell me that but she did and so that was how I discovered that

KAThat’s a lot of information for a 15-year-old it would’ve been for a four-year-old too

FF Which it my poor mom who said how do you tell a little child that and I’m not sure that she did the wrong thing

KA right

FF so you know God is so good that he protects us and gives us the information that we could handle at the time which I’ve experienced recently also

KA yeah yeah that’s so you’re eight years old you’re in the third grade you go to a new school but it’s a Christian school so what is important what are the important things that you learned there

FF Well actually third grade I was in the public school that was where I struggled fourth grade I really started to show signs of struggling in fifth grade I was putting a Christian school I learned that they were godly people God‘s word I ended up excepting Christ there in the eighth grade I had a Bible teacher who was pretty dynamic and I really understood that Christ died specifically for my sin in the eighth grade and I accepted Christ and that was worth going there you know and then in ninth grade I went back to public school and lost my way again but I still had that foundation in the understanding from that really good Bible teaching

A FOUNDATION FROM BIBLE TEACHING

KA So what kind of OK you said foundation so what does that look like for you as an eighth grade student how did it impact you

FF It gave me a grid a grounding to attach truth two bigger than all the dysfunction that I had been experiencing and all that was going on in the world I still had that understanding I really really based my life off of that even though as a young teenager I got into drugs and alcohol and all the things that young teens do I still knew that I was saved by Christ

KA wow that’s huge

FF It really was huge it’s a huge gift

KA YEAH YEAH and it changed your

FF It change the trajectory of my life it really did I don’t think if

that had not happened in my early years I’m not sure what would have happened to meet with my to do drugs and be crazy

KELLY

Frani is thankful when she remembers her grade school years. She was in an environment where hope was hiding just around the corner. But because of her pain and confusion, she had a hard time catching that hope and holding onto it. She allowed men to continue lying to her about her identity.

KA So you’re ninth grade

FF I’m still somebody who is somewhat close to the Lord like we didn’t go to church that wasn’t further or anything my faith was not further but I still was believing what I had believed in eighth grade I was still carrying that in my heart but you know public schools big and kind of scary when I went to high school in the 10th grade was when I really started to venture off into guys and drugs and things like that and I knew the Lord was still talking to me but I decided I would put that aside to experience some fun that I wanted to have and but it never stopped it never stop being the truth of my life

KA And so you’re in the 10th grade

FF And I have an experience with the boy and 15 he’s 20 not aware that that’s really not OK that’s my first experience in that on that level and I was really really headed for trouble

KA Wow does your mom have any idea what you’re what you were involved with

FF No I I told her he was 17 and you know he had a house and all these things and so I was really playing with fire and then I met another guy and had an experience with him and so these my life is progressing in a way that wasn’t healthy

A YOUNG MAN WHO WOULD CHANGE HER LIFE

KELLY

But then, one day, she met a man who would change her life forever.

FF and then I was 15 I met this young guy who was as troubled as I was and he gave me a note and he said my mom is in a mental hospital I’m so embarrassed she’s tried to kill her self and I thought oh what’s the big deal my dad killed himself I didn’t even understand the weight of that it just was a part of my life and so we became real close friends very deep friends and we kind of parented each other in that relationship turned into a 36 year relationship

KA Is this the boy that would stare at you with his head on his desk

FF yes and we had so many great young times together just

KA So what was that like what were some great young times

FF Oh he the one of one of the things we talk on the phone all night long he would tell me you’re such a colorful person and he was so troubled and I was such a stable force for him they used to call him my shadow because we were together 24 seven we had a hard time separating at night and he would come to my house and sleep in the front yard in his car and my parents moved a couple hours away and we could not do that that just was not gonna happen for he and I and he ran away to live with me and brought his surfboard and we were blood brother and sister and you know we just were inseparable for so so many years and in that relationship I started coming back to the Lord myself and I shared Christ with him and he became a Christian and that we grew very very close and decided that our life was going to be about that and it was significant it changed him as it such as that change me He grew very fast and all the violence and anger and the drugs and the alcohol that we’ve been a part of started to diminish and he sought the Lord deeply and I didn’t almost didn’t like it I was like well we don’t need to go that far

FF So as that relationship progressed, we got married at 18 and 19 and then went on to a Bible college that was for missionaries and we were there a few years and that was hard but wonderful experience it really taught us the foundations of scripture and the depth and the truth of scripture

KELLY

Frani’s “shadow” got set on fire for Jesus. As they grew up together, he became the leader she needed. And then they got married, and that’s when the real adventure started.

HOW DO YOU START AN ADVENTURE

FF and we came back and started ministries in kids he was a youth pastor for nine years at our first church kids got saved kids some of our kids you know were shot ran over we didn’t we did incredible ministry with really rough groups of people in these apartments that nobody was watching these kids every kid was named Ozzie or do you know when they come back he drove a bus and I drove a van and we spent four hours every single Sunday picking kids up and taking them home we did everything for these kids and it was very significant it was very powerful ministry

KELLY

Frani, like her mother, was finding her source of truth - it was Jesus Christ. But much more was in her future.

Frani’s story continues on the next episode of Qavah the Podcast.