Casey Moore Part 2
Casey Moore Part 2
Disclaimer
THE LIE THAT SHE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH
KELLY
On the last episode of Qavah, Casey Moore had believed a lie that she was not good enough.
This lie had grown into a monster. All Casey had wanted to do was lose some weight and be a more attractive wife. Then she would be happy, right? Instead, this lie took her down a path that destroyed her marriage, her career, her family, and nearly her own body.
Welcome back to Qavah the Podcast
KA So were you super thin
CM So I had lost a bunch of weight but yeah by that point I hadnât really I can I gained some weight back I mean thereâs a point in time where it doesnât do it for you like it like it used to in the beginning it worked great but moving through that I started putting some weight back on I got arrested for I stole a bracelet at JCPenney but the sad thing about that is this bracelet had the serenity prayer on it which was crazy
KA Oh wow you needed that
CM I needed it and I remember my sweet mom she I was arrested and taken to jail and I was taken to jail because I had warrants for bounced checks and all kinds of crazy stuff like that thatâs probably why they actually took me to the jail but I remember Carson was working at Texas roadhouse and they I had them call him I donât know why he came over there to the mall I was at the mall and like please just let me please let me take her home and of course they wouldnât and so I remember looking at the door in him there and I just thought man this is so sad this was in October until I finally got clean in January and so do you think that wouldâve been that wouldâve been rock-bottom that was it thereâs a little more to go so you know I found myself just in the beginning of my drug addiction I would get my drugs from this girl who lived in a high-rise in turtle Creek and it was this fancy place and all that by the end of it I was over near fair park and just some terrible places I remember being in one place and seem like a little child like a baby in a diaper and they were making it in the back I mean it was just some horrible horrible things I mean it just took me to the depths but I had just been so sick I mean so incredible yell and my mom I remember her saying like you know what is happening and I I had pneumonia so bad I smoked math was what I did so I couldnât do it so itâs like for two weeks I was so incredibly sick and I couldnât do it and itâs like all the sudden I started adding app like wait a minute Iâve gone to weeks without doing it
KELLY
Strangely enough, this rock bottom moment - of being too sick to smoke meth - was Caseyâs opportunity for salvation.
OK you know what do I need to do now like two weeks when I thought couldnât go One day and now Iâm two weeks in and granted I have slept two weeks that entire weeks because I was so incredibly ill and I donât know just that day I just said I need help I told my mom I need help I was living in apartment and it was just a disaster I mean they moved us out we basically laughed thereâs no telling what they charged us because we left just heaps of trash in but they moved us out of that apartment and moved me into their home and gave me some ultimatums and said you know weâre going to drug test you whenever we want you if you test positive one time youâre gone weâre keeping your child you know we will we will keep your child and I remember Carson saying no you know Iâm going I will go with her or you know Iâm going with her you know he was very protective of me even as at this point I mean I was eight years into this at this point so he was letâs say that means he was like 16 I guess 15, 16 so he was protective until he realized that I was OK and then I was gonna live and I was trying to get my life back and then he got really angry very very very rightfully so
So that was a pretty big challenge for us out
KA And a 1516-year-old boy is angry anyway and
CM And then all of that on top of it and so I think for Carson you know he was just so hurt you know just so hurt and he has really bad memories of our home life and people in an out and people just showing up at all hours of the night and thinks he saw and her that I thought we were in a keeping him from you know that just didnât happen and so he was angry he was really mad at me because then at that point Iâm trying to be a mom also and heâs like them now you know and I remember laying in the bed upstairs at my parents house and really sick in and he was just like standing over me just yelling and saying all kinds of horrible things and he was I would die and you have just all the stuff and I remember my dad coming up there and saying Carson you can be angry and you have every right to be angry but I cannot hear this anymore I mean we need help you know and so we worked through that it was a very long and very drawn out years and years of getting through some of that stuff and I think thereâs still some of it I still hold tons of guilt I mean Iâve got 13 almost 13 years clean now and I still have incredible guilt for Carson I mean he just missed out on so much as a child and I donât mean missed out on fun things I mean just the normal life that a child should have the one that I had you know he didnât have that and then he suffered his suffered since then and I feel like that my hand who I shouldâve been his the one that is his protector so thatâs been a real difficult thing
KELLY
Caseyâs parents saw how much pain she was in, and how much Carson was suffering, and it broke their hearts. They had compassion on their daughter and were eager to help. They just didnât know how . . . until a stranger came along and offered a real solution, instead of a magic pill.
I Worked the Program
but once I told my mom I needed help you know we they pretty much sat counsel on how to do this and how to help me and basically I there was a guy that came to fix our computer at my parents computer and I donât know how it happened but somehow they start talking about AA and NA in recovery and semi parent sent me down and said hair weâve talk to this guy he was like this angel in their mind that came by and said this is what youâre gonna do and youâre gonna start going in and out I was it I was actually more offended they told someone my problems I was like you donât even know him and you tell me my problems you know and all that kind of stuff and tell me missing that the blessing that it happened that day but what that did it did get me into a program I got me into an AA and my mom went with me in the first gosh months she went with me every time because never when they didnât trust me to drive myself and so she would go if it was open meeting she and my dad would go in if it was a cloud of meeting they would wait outside but they did that for months and so January 22 of 2008 was the last time I use drugs
and it was a long road a very painful road of going through the steps I firmly believe in NA and AA I think if you can Fully give yourself to that program you will be successful for me and my relationship with Christ was huge my family support I mean I had a lot of things that other people donât have and that I did have support my parents got some advice saying that I shouldnât they shouldnât my job should be recovery meetings that they shouldnât make me work for a little while and they didnât in my job was meetings I went to many sometimes many a day I mean I went to a lot of meetings I went to I could go to church and I could go to meetings and thatâs it I could have people over that they need to their home and then they started letting me have my NA group over which was awesome. And so they would come over my mom would cook and they would my mom and dad will sit at the table and I remember them saying like I remember one time them saying everybody just looks so confused but they were like you know what an honor it is for us to sit with a bunch of survivors here at this table you know and thank you for coming and I remember them just like wow thatâs crazy you know my parents you know weâre seemingly they live in a beautiful home in and they just welcomed those that were you know maybe not welcome in other places they were welcome there
And they were pretty amazing and said they provided a lot of support to even my group my NA group and so I just worked the program. Work the program and I went to counseling and Carson went to counseling and we pushed and push through a lot Carson continue to struggle so much and it was hard just never could find us a place in the world and it was hard itâs difficult very difficult thing I divorced my husband Way divorced and you know I started going back to church I joined a Sunday school class of women they were all older than me so it was really kind of neat you know I felt really loved and they didnât really know about what was going on and I remember when I was finally ready to tell them I had them come over and I was going to that class even when I was using that same class I was still going because I was trying to kind of put up a front and so when I had them over and just shared everything you know they were just kind of blown away but at the same time super supportive and ready to step in and love and support and it was a God had me with those women older than me for a reason you know they were able to really just wrap their arms around me and they refused to give up you know
KA So much grace
CM Lots lots lots of grace
KA All over you
LOTS OF GRACE
KELLY
Once Casey finally began making progress toward freedom, with the help of her parents, her recovery groups, and her dear friends, she realized how much this lie had stolen from her. She resolved to call this lie out and walk in truth instead.
CM Lots of grace and I think I didnât really appreciate it back then looking back I really appreciate I remember being thankful but I just donât remember I just donât remember really realizing that it was Grace may be like I didnât really realize it was Grace and because I had lied to them you know there was an ad there was an a person in my life that had been truthful with about anything
KA Not even your self
CM Not even myself because I believed everything I was telling everybody else you know and so I believed that Grace was there for me and I knew that but it was difficult road try to get to the point where I was willing to except the grace that was already offered already given especially for from Jesus like He just was waiting for me to say I need you you know and I accept you know waiting for me to ask for forgiveness and have that grace port over me and me except the grace and I think thatâs where I struggle so long it was just itâs still that very that nagging youâre not worth the grace youâre not worth praying to Jesus he doesnât wanna hear you you betrayed him youâve hurt him youâve you know all the things you know that was just Satan filling my head in so that but going through this 12 steps was pretty liberating you know if you can truly go through them and so that that allowed me to just put away some of that and go through there the ninth step you know of going and asking for making amends was kind of crazy but it was healing very very healing it was tough
KA OK so what are the 12 steps For people who donât know
CM so the 12 steps of recovery so itâs a program through AA and NA and it is literally 12 steps itâs about it goes through a gamut of things but itâs basically the first as admitting you have a problem it starts with that if you if you canât get to the point where you met you have a problem in your life is in manageable than then you canât do anything else so it goes from that it goes from doing at moral inventory of yourself like looking back and seeing where your defects of character like you know what has happened because alcohol and drug abuse in any abuse or any any addiction is usually not the root problem thereâs usually something under there thatâs the surface problem but the root problem thereâs something that got you to that point very rarely is it just like hey I was just trying to have a good time and then all The sudden Iâm addicted usually thereâs some thing that youâre either escaping running from blocking out numbing out thereâs some thing that drives it especially further into your addiction because when you say things falling apart a normal person would say I am stop OK thatâs it but if you have an addiction youâve got things are a feeling that addiction is very difficult to stop my husband now has no experience with addiction and heâs like heâs a pastor and heâs like people come to me with addiction and Iâm like itâs killing you quit doing it
KA Right
CM Like just donât do it again and Iâm like babe if it were only that easy weâre going through this 12 steps doing the moral inventory finding out where those defects of character are going back making a list of people youâve harmed I mean
KA Thatâs humbling
CM That is then going to them making amends and then putting in practice carrying the message in
Staying Clean
KELLY
It was a lot of hard work to make sure that truth was dominating Caseyâs life, and not the lie that had led to her addiction. But she had seen the damage with clear eyes now, and she was never going back.
She began to build a new life. It wasnât easy, but it was beautiful in its own unexpected way.
so thatâs kind of what to me has kept me over the years still clean is that Iâve been in after all that to sponsor other people so you know that your accountable to people and their their sobriety or their reminding clean is somewhat during the steps is dependent on you remaining clean and so I began to sponsor people almost immediately not immediately but almost immediately once finishing the steps and getting some time under my belt and that was probably I think a sponsor my first person may be a year and a half into being clean and you know thatâs just something that it was a way of life for me and even now you know all these years later I pop in to meetings I go to meetings from time to time I donât sponsor anybody right now but Iâm a pastorâs wife and so I have a lot of accountability in my life now so thatâs Iâll tell that story as well you know itâs just kind of like I just I donât know itâs hard for me to see how people make it without some kind of structured program whether it be rehab for me it Hass to be Christ centered AA and NA our Christ centered they talk about a higher power well the higher power is God to me and so without something like that I donât I have a hard time seeing how people can do it without that Iâm not saying that it canât be done but in my experience and for me you know my addiction was meth but you know once I became clean from meth since that January of 08 I donât I never drink I donât drink I anything. And the reason for that for me is because I have been in those rooms for so many years and Iâve seen people who alcohol was never their issue so they think while I can have an occasional drink and nine times out of 10 they go right back to what they really want and thatâs how I have to tell myself like Casey if you drink youâll go back to using and do I think that I mean I can still do think that I mean part of me thinks when youâre so far down itâs probably not a big deal but do you want to risk it and that answer is a hard no I do not want to risk it and I wonât and there has been times in my Iâve been challenged in my clean living life that I have wished very much that I could numb things out that I could escape Iâve had some difficult things happen in my life since then.
KELLY
Casey had to choose to live differently, without any escape routes. But this meant that she could share the same kind of unconditional love that she had received from others for so many years. You canât fully love someone unless you allow yourself to hurt with them. Thatâs what Caseyâs parents had learned, and now Casey was about to learn that with her own son.
That that was really tough for me back in 2014 I believe 15,14 or 15 Carson told me that he was gay and I it was devastating at first I mean very very devastated I mean I just felt responsible like I caused it because of not having a father in his life I mean you know those kinds of things like I i.e. you know even though my dad was very involved and he and Carson were very close I was like man I miss you know all the things I wasnât paying attention to him and he I mean I was fine with him at 14 years old just letting me know where you are because that would let me be in there use drugs and not be interrupted and not have to feel guilty for what heâs doing if heâs out having fun doing whatever I didnât even ask Jack didnât have the parents didnât know the kids I mean I just let him do whatever and so I blame myself a lot for that and as a Christian it was just it was hard for me to reconcile that in my head and you know how to really tough time with it but God just we just had some serious conversations and he just told me I mean I remember
Jesus said love
Jesus said love. Thatâs your child thatâs my child you laugh love that child and we had a talk in the beginning about what I thought what he thought biblically born with that choice weâve been the whole gamut of all those talks and then thatâs it we donât talk about that anymore I left him I show him grace and love and how Christ loves him and if I were to turn my back on him since I am he is probably strongest connection to Christ mastering me I didnât know Carson was Christian he became a Christian at nine years old but I am or I am his Christian figure in his life so I turn my back on him I mean thatâs just not gonna happen do I wish for a different life for him sometimes I do did live the life that he lives is a difficult one thereâs itâs a it can be a painful life I mean thereâs still a lot of a lot of prejudice thereâs still a lot of things that go in that direction I worry for a safety a lot of times but but I love him and my love is not changed nor has anyone else is left for him changed you know my parents my mom you know Carson told my mom before she died and I think that was good for him you know she knew about a year or so before she died that he was gay and I think it wouldâve been harder for him has she passed in him never have told her because they were very very close and so you know that was a time there was a time you know I wish I could have some of this out but it wasnât an option for me and Carson needed me to be be his mom and love him unconditionally like I have been loved unconditionally and you know as Christians and not really as Christians as religious put people people like to say well the sin is this Or so that sin as worse you know if you do this then weâre gonna weâre leaving the church of that we are if you as a pastorâs wife support that weâre out into that I say bye I mean because I guess the way I look at that is why we all have sin a real lives in yes as a human people on earth we do have would you look at murder different than lying but in Godâs eyes itâs on the same and so why am I gonna look at what people consider him asked to be like well that is unforgivable I mean thatâs why thatâs why so many in that community have got their walls up against anything church because theyâve been judge cast out talked about you know I mean so much of that and so and it goes for all it goes for all sin you know we are weâre supposed to be a church that loves the person you know and we we just canât sit in judgment I mean Iâll look at my life the things that I donât even speak about that idea did to get my hands on drugs is nothing worse than anybody else around here and theyâre saying thereâs some send thatâs very public thereâs some sent thatâs extremely private but itâs all sin and you know and so I just I have felt a real you know like you know just an affinity toward that community that they know that Christ loves them and that they the man and maybe organize church has kicked them out that thatâs not Christ and I just Iâm just going not going to ever except that thatâs the way some churches have done is right in anyway you know we went my dad and a bunch of friends we went to the pride parade two or three years ago and did the free mom hugs free dad hugs we did that and it was absolutely beautiful it was it was very sad in a lot of ways because thereâs so many people there that had never even hadnât been having their dad in 10 years of that in 10 years because they found out they were gay and theyâre like youâre out of our family
Free Mom Hugs
Or they kicked out of church I couldnât believe that we would pray with them and would pray over them because they people they knew wouldâve never had anything to do with them like that that we were that day we were the hands and feet of Christ that day and I remember just down from us there was a guy on a bull horn saying how God hates you and you know I I was thinking shut up like you are ruining it for us you are a Pharisee and a religious person we are Christian and we are shining Christâs love we are very different. we we did that for on a hot August day on concrete down in Oaklawn we gave sweaty hugs all day long you know and I miss that we canât even hug anymore I miss that but but that meant so much to Carson to I mean theyâre my dad was his free dad hugs and his cowboy hat and you know down there as a 75-year-old man Iâm like yes and so many of Carsonâs friends were like man like I canât believe you did this like my family would never do this and it wasnât that were down there saying that weâre celebrating youâre saying like yes this is this is right or wrong we were making statements like that it wasnât like about going down there with any kind of agenda if we had an agenda it was love and it was letting people know that they are loved and then they are worth it and though they feel cast out they are not and especially not by us or Christ so itâs pretty special a pretty special time if my mom wouldâve been alive she wouldâve been all over that yeah
KA Oh thatâs super sweet
KELLY
Over the course of time, Caseyâs mom passed away. But not before Casey had a chance to reconcile and spend several years giving back that unconditional love.
CM She wouldâve been all over that you know she she was diagnosed with cancer in 2010 and she it was a slow growing cancer it was a new a Nuro endocrine carcinoma it was slow growing it started in her small bowels but spread to her lymph nodes by the time they found it was in a liver in her lymph nodes it was pretty much everywhere but one positive thing was that it didnât respond to chemo so she never took chemo which in one sense of scared because chemo so hard on the other since there is no cure so she lives six years 6 1/2 years and it was some of the best best years she I was two years clean when she was diagnosed with cancer and I was so grateful to God for that because I could I wasnât running out was present I was with her I could be with her through anything and everything I was able to be strength for her and had zapped her strength for so many years you know I just taken everything from her and she still chat with me you know I was able to do that and I was so grateful like God you knew you knew that your timing was perfect and that I would be in for her that I could be OK and that she wasnât going to die wondering where I was you know and it was it was very special was a very special time and she was diagnosed in 2010 I met Greg and we were married and 11 and so that was really that was special to have him in that journey with me and I think God gave him to me tonight have that journey alone you know with my mom was very very close yeah she was wonderful woman
KA Can absolutely have great parents so looking back but would you tell your young self
CM I think I love it stems from you know youâre your creation of Christ whatâs not to love you know what is not to love and I I didnât grow up in a family that made me feel bad about myself or was putting pressure on me for anything I grew up in a great family so where I where I let that come in Iâm not really sure I didnât have an experience growing up I mean I was always a little bit may be a little heavier but I was also an athlete you know I play softball all the time so I mean looking back I look back at pictures of myself in high school what was that I was so so worried about how it looked I was fine you know and so I donât really know where all that came in but you know maybe just more of believing in what God is created you to be and not being so hard on yourself and I see now this world is even harder on kids and I think man how are they making it through you know I had the best set up and I still blew it and I still blew it and I had such a good role models and strong believers and you know my mom was just a warrior for Christ in us she just she just was you know she the last I guess three weeks of her life I just stayed up there in Dallas in Mesquite and I just stayed there and just helped and watched her she just was just beautiful till her last breath and you know people were coming in brown just one after another wanted to see her and you know she would be asking them how she could pray for them and you know I mean Iâm talking like itâs unheard of it just is in her memorial service we had like 1100 people there and it was just so it was so humbling as her daughter to hear what people say were saying about her I knew those things but I was like it wasnât just me it was like everybody and someone posted on Facebook like the next day they said they were at Judy Rawlâs memorial with 1100 of her best friends thatâs really what it was. She was wonderful they were married 53 almost 53 years and 52 1/2 years and just a great great time and even my dad a memorial service said that the last three weeks of her life were the sweetest of their entire marriage because it was when it was coming and she was so ready to go and everything was raw and real and nothing left and sad I mean absolutely nothing left and said and people that is such a gift that doesnât happen a lot I mean people are either taking tragically quickly or they donât get that time and we just we just wallered in it I mean we really did and it was really special it was very special
KA Well I love your story itâs beautiful itâs absolutely beautiful
CM Itâs funny now I look back and Iâm like wow like I need to write a book I mean meth attic to preachers wife like how did you get in there like something about a God sense of humor or something like that itâs marrying Greg and being a pastor swipe in Eden and heâs a pastor of a cowboy church so not only not a cowgirl but Iâm also a meth attic and now my pastorâs wife and itâs just it works perfect I donât know it just it just works
KA. Wow thatâs just awesome well thank you so much is there anything else you wanna add
CM Trying to think if thereâs anything else I donât think so I think Iâve pretty much covered it all I guess I guess one thing I will end this is something thatâs important to me all the way back when I was when I was pregnant with Carson my mom said this one thing to me she said donât let your suffering go to waste she said donât let what youâre going through right now what you will go through just fall on deaf ears you use that to give people hope that even in the deepest and darkest suffering that there is hope in Christ and Iâve never forgotten that and thatâs been several in several periods of my life I repeated that to myself and I even now Iâm talking to people. Youâre going through a really difficult times if you can see that that there is hope that what theyâre going through right now doesnât have to be defined them it doesnât have to be the end and that you know I think that I think thatâs what we need in our world today is home for something better and for me with all the craziness going on in the world and the unrest in division Iâm like but my hope isnât in this world my hopes in Christ and how blessed am I that my hope is in Christ and I can put this world aside and just
KA Your mom smart smart
CM Sheâs a smart smart lady
KA. Wow thatâs awesome thatâs a very good word I love that
KELLY
Believing a lie is so much easier than believing the truth, isnât it? Casey looks back on her life and sees how a tiny seed of deception was planted in her heart in high school, and how hard she had to work to cut it back once it had grown out of control. She wouldnât have been able to do it without the unconditional love shown to her by her parents, her recovery group, her friends, and Jesus Christ. Her story is beautiful, and itâs nothing short of supernatural. Godâs timing truly is perfect.
Thank you for joining us today on Qavah the Podcast. We pray that this story has given you hope, because thatâs why we do what we do. Be sure to join us next time for (next episode)
