Josh Brewer Part 1

Memories Bathed in Anxiety: Surviving Childhood Abuse & Finding Hope

Josh Brewer Story

Part 1

KELLY If you were to meet Josh Brewer today, you would meet an inspiration. He is a confident, dynamic young man who is living a successful life. He has a beautiful wife and four amazing children. But you would never guess how many years of chaos and abuse preceded the life he has now.
JOSHJB really the extent honestly of the early childhood memories that go back it was really just bathed in anxiety and don't mess up and you know, good behavior. 
KELLYJosh didn’t understand the value he had as a human being, much less a defenseless child. Because there weren’t any adults in his life who cared for him and protected him. He had to fend for himself.
JOSHJB we're getting creative and making, you know, butter sandwiches or sugar sandwiches.(from episode 2) I never really knew what it was like to sit at a dinner table and have dinner.
KELLYJosh used to watch TV shows in which dads would come home from work and all the children would happily run and greet him, excited to see them. This was not the case in Josh’s home; it was actually just the opposite. Nothing in his home looked the way things did on TV.
Poor Josh had to overcome a lot in order to be the person he is today. As a child, he had no sense of stability. He tried his best to survive in an abusive home, and then even had that home taken away from him. And along his journey, he met countless young children who lived the same way. He began to question whether the things on TV were really normal or not.

Welcome to Qavah

What is considered abuse?

KA I'm here with Josh Brewer, thank you so much for being here. 

JB Thank you for having me. 

KA So Josh, tell me what is your first memory.

JB So, man first memory, I can go back to some of the memories, as I'll get into too much story, a lot of the memories have been things that they really have tried to block out. And so there are some of them as with trauma as a way to do that to help you kind of survive. But when I can think of the first memory, I've got probably literally two hands worth of memories up to about 10 years old. So one of them would be I remember, and I guess I put some context. So there was one of one of six kids. And we grew up in a very broken home, lots of abuse. And I would remember, I would recall, that every time my dad would get off at work at 5pm, and just remember the anxiety in the room because dad was coming home. And if something was done wrong or not done, right, you know, we would have that fear of, Hey, hide the belt. So I remember to put the belt behind the couch, or you would, you know, make sure that bases were covered. So that when something was found out, because typically it was it was a daily thing, that we would eliminate the, you know, the weapons of mass destruction. And so, you know, I recall moments like that just that was a regular memory. So it was it was, I don't know how routine it was, but I do remember there were tasks that we would do like taking the butter knife and scraping the baseboards to clean it, it was really a dirty house, we had, I can't remember two or three bedrooms and six of us kids in there with with my mom and dad. And so when you think of some of the some of those, that was kind of like a regular thing, it wasn't a recurring or wasn't an individual thing, it was a recurring memory. And so really just grew up in that sort of broken environment. It was always abusive, verbally, mentally, physically. And that was kind of what categorize you know, that those early childhood memories, that it was a don't mess up or else. So that's kind of when you think of memories, I do think there was probably one or two memories that I would have, they were being considered maybe a highlight. I remember one time. You know, we were born, I was born in Texas, we moved to Oklahoma, New Mexico, California, on up to Washington State where I spent a lot of my childhood, early childhood. And it's cold there, you know, winters are rough and, and I remember, I was about six or seven years old, and my dad fashion together a sled that had some sort of steering board DeviceID, composited together, built together. And I remember because I was going down a hill, and I ran into a metal fence posts and hit my head. And that knocked me out. So that was a fun time. That was a highlight that that was really the extent honestly of the early childhood memories that go back it was really just bathed in anxiety and don't mess up and you know, good behavior. And so that's kind of what formed those freshmen.

KA So what number were you in birth order?

JB So how old are half sister and then older brother older brother than me? So number four, then younger sister younger brother?

KA Oh, wow, that's a busy household. Yeah. And so was your mom at home? 

JB Yeah, so both of them had work. And once again, the dynamics even between the two of them, like I would remember moments where he would be hitting her thrown against the wall. And so the dysfunction between them, certainly bled in to the relationship with us. And so she had worked different in in and out jobs, different odd jobs, you know, the cashier at the gas station or whatever, and he worked in retail at times. And so for that, you know, it was one of those things where there was just no stability in that. And so the interaction in between them, even with us, six kids, you know, just once again, prior to really the, my life is broken down into different sections, really one to eight, eight to 16. And then you know, adults, so really just referencing it from one day to eight, that's where a lot of those memories really took place. And so even to the point to where, you know, when I was about eight years old is when actually my dad went to prison. And up until that point, I just remember a lot of a lot of physical abuse as kids, you know, getting physical abuse, there was emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, there was just in any other way you could imagine. It was just a very traumatic place to be. You couple that with extreme poverty and not knowing what you We're going to eat when we're getting creative and making, you know, butter sandwiches or sugar sandwiches. And, and so that's how we kind of go. But that was normal. Even as you know, in third or fourth grade, I remember having a meeting with our teacher and my mom went up to their, to the parent teacher meeting. And they asked me, they said, Hey, go over there and play with the computer and I go to the computer, and, and it wasn't on. So I'd come back and she says, Oh, you got to move the mouse, why they didn't know where the mouse was, we didn't. And she showed me and I was done on the computer. And I remember hearing the conversation. And the point that she wanted to bring up and meet with my mom on was the fact that I always had stinky clothes and dirty clothes.And it was because I didn't put two and two together till you know, I got older. But I remember we would always we didn't have dressers with just a pile of clothes. And you'd go in and, you know, put your clothes on. And so that's really kind of what Mark that that early childhood.

How do I cope with my dad in prison?

KA Sorry. I understand. So did you know why your dad went to prison? Like, like, did they come and say you're like you go he did he go through a trial.

JB And yeah, there was there was a process I distinctly remember, aside from in the home memories, the probably the greatest memory was the moment where they lined this up into the Child Protective Services, CPS. And we were in the room. And I remember looking around all these kids were in there. And you had that, that kind of two way glass where it looked like a mirror, but they could see through it. And remember the caseworker on the other side. And didn't really know in totality at that time, what was going on? What we knew is that he made some mistakes. And in the case where it came out, I remember them saying that here's here's what's next. All of you kids are basically going into foster care. And I remember sitting there as I didn't really know what foster care was. But they had said that we were going to be going into different homes. And I remember looking up and I looked around and my brothers and my sisters, and I remember I was the first one who just started crying. And I didn't know but I knew that. I didn't know what was going on. But I knew that, hey, something's about to get separated. And, and it's weird, because on one hand, that was actually like almost a moment of salvation like that chaos and the hurt and the pain and the trauma. But that's all I knew. So what was being taken away was that which was familiar. So there was almost as comforting in in the dysfunction comfort in the trauma, because it's known. So that was that moment, you know, at that point, where even though I didn't see the full picture of what caused it, the full picture reality what the new, new normal would be, was really laid out

The reality of a new normal

KA where you bonded with your siblings.

JB Yeah, I think it was a unique relationship, because oftentimes, pain and trauma really draws people together. So it's like, we're both in this together, it was, I would liken it to somebody going out, you know, into the military and going to war with somebody and I'll send you got your war, buddy. Like, that's what it was that we had that commonality. And with all of my siblings, everyone, me, there's six of us. It's a whole clan, but there was this camaraderie and this comfort in that in relationally, for sure, but more than just being civil to the fact that we're going through something together that we we knew and understood. And even if somebody on the outside that was looking and couldn't see, like we had that together, you know, so there was that, that comfort in that?

KA Did they separate you?

JB Or did they, they actually initially put my oldest sister in foster care by herself, and then the next two older brothers and one. And then initially me with the younger two. And really, for the next eight years, we were in and out of foster care. And so those chains from from time to time, me and my next older brother would be in one, my older brother would be in a different one. And the two younger, really stayed together for the most part. But it was a process where basically, as you can imagine, when my dad went to prison, aside from the trauma that my mom had to go through. Just the reality of losing everything in that moment, had nowhere to turn. So she turned to alcohol and drugs and just trying to fill the hopelessness as any person would really do in that in that moment. And she would be through the season of trying to numb the pain and then obviously realizing that was reinforcement and that she'd get out and she'd get off of that and clean stuff up. And then we'd be out of foster movie and her custody. So that was a perpetual process. So when we're out of foster care, we were in homeless shelters and you know, motels hotels, she would be she would had this almost perpetual process of being drawn to guys that were like that, that were abusive that were it's almost as if she didn't understand her value. and her worth and, and the same sort of comfort thing that we were looking for if she she found in that in a weird sadistic way there was like, Okay, this is what I'm what I know. And so was with several other guys over the years, and they were abusive as well. So we'd been battered women's shelters. And so this perpetual process in and out, went across over several states and over the eight years and so that was certainly the instability of that really caused in all of us, I think just, you know, not just the suitability of my mom, this sense of adaptation to being okay, and the ambiguous being okay, with change being okay with, like almost embracing, where most people are looking for stability, it was almost like, Oh, this is normal. So what would cause that, from a emotional psychological standpoint is that there's an apprehension and get rooted. There's an apprehension to trust people, because it's okay, I'm on one, one day away one week, one year away from having to be uprooted and move. So really just cause a lot of emotional burden. Even when you get beyond the immediate trauma, just the the the residue of that, you know, carries on for sure.

KA So, at eight, your father went to prison, and so then your mother had addiction issues. And so from eight to 16, you're in foster care and moving around and moving around. 
KELLYIn many abusive circumstances, you can’t recognize the abuse until you’re outside of it. Unfortunately, Josh was only about to enter more chaos and confusion once he entered the foster system. The next eight years would be a struggle to stay afloat as he moved from childhood to adolescence.But when Josh turned 14, a light finally broke into his dark life. He was introduced to a hope he’d never experienced, and he began to dream of a life of sharing that hope with others.Join us next time for episode two of Josh’s story.