Archibald Brothers Part 3

HOW DOES A STEPFAMILY WORK?

ARCHIBALD FROM MARSHA TO MARGO EPISODE 3

The accounts shared on this Podcast, including this Episode, reflect the guests’ thoughtful recollections and opinions of experiences perceived and occurring over many years, including childhood memories, which may be fallible and limited by perspective and trauma. Persons may have different memories regarding certain events

When we left off on Qavah, the three Archibald boys were looking for a mother. Their mom, Joy, had been admitted to Terrell State Hospital for mental health treatment. And two women came to take her place. 

First, a kind housemaid named Maddie cared for  them while they lived on Marsha Drive, and their father worked as a truck driver. But those days were cut short by another woman. In the last episode, Richard would go to  a home and vacuum for a little girl’s  mother. The mother took an interest in the boys’ father. Before the boys knew it, Connie went from being their friend to their step-sister, and her mother, Helen, became their stepmother. 

The Archibalds said goodbye to Maddie, the closest person they’d had to a mother. They moved into Helen’s home on Margo Street, and tried to squeeze into a new family with four other children.

MA Man I am I remember working out the arrangements for 7,7 children kind of where everyone was going to sleep

Welcome to Qavah

(Music: Theme Music)

MA. I can’t say I even remember moving in per se other than like furniture and all that stuff it seems like we just walked in the room and they’re already beds there I don’t know if dad actually did some pre-getting all the stuff planned up so we could make this transition a little smoother 

we literally got all those kids all those boys in one room

RA What was that six boys in one room

KA So how did that feel he went from peaceful to what

MA. Well you know did it remain peaceful in the early days

RA I don’t remember any  peaceful time there from the beginning when I would visit before we lived there it was weird and it was always weird

KHA Now the more I’ve dwelt on it to to realize how methodical that she was going about all this and uh so uh. So they got married. Obviously, that meant way we moved to uh to to back over to really what was I considered home which was over on the other side of town.

Back when Richard used to visit Connie’s house, he had always felt uneasy about her mother Helen. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it back then, but once Helen married his father, more strange behaviors started to surface.

CHANGED MY NAME

RA now that Mike mentioned one of the boys named Richard and now Mike I don’t even think I knew my name was Richard I was brother that was my name that was written in my pants that was so we could tell mine and Mike’s a part

KA. His were Mike and yours were brother

RA.  Right anyway I just

MA everybody from mom side of the family to dad side of the family all aunts uncles and grandparents you were brother

RA yeah I literally didn’t realize that wasn’t my name until later it’s not a bad thing I think it was good

KA So do you wanna what is your name changed

RA Well right that’s the important part of it because there was a Richard and I do not know how quickly this happened but I could easily have just been Brother

KA Right because that’s what you’d always been

RA Right and I could easily maybe not for school right that would be a little weird but it wouldn’t of mattered it’s cool because you’re not gonna confuse

MA Two Richards

in different grades

RA But anyway, so I was Dick

lots of famous Richards go by dick not a big deal but I’m just telling you for a 5,6-year-old going into first grade that was hard and I think that was just something that she wanted to do to me so anyway

This change of name caused great anxiety for this 5,6 year old boy as he walked himself to school

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

KA. Did you have relationships with people outside the home

RA. I don’t remember having any outside relationships at that point now and it was I remember the first day of school I just remember tripping over there you know we would walk down Bird and then turn left there ours I N Range and I tripped over that concrete where the sidewalk had buckle him in twice in a row because I was carrying all the school supplies in Ken coming back to help me I remember that but I remember so nervous because I knew what I had to tell them my name was 

I have been set by Helen before that to be real clear about now you know your name right and I guess in one sense that was loving and that she didn’t want me to she wanted me to know but to me again it was cringy it was weird

KA So she changed your name the stepmother change your name

RA. Oh absolutely she changed or yes I was enrolled as that was my that’s what I went by and so

KA. Wow so she was allowed to enroll you in school give you a name without your biological parents permission

RA No I don’t know if the enrollment she said Dick Todd Archibald I’m sure it’s Richard but he goes by Dick you know

KA. But I mean your dad deferred to her and allowed her to do that

RA May not of even known I don’t know

KA OK of course your moms and available to do that at the time

So she became your primary caregiver

RA Yeah 

RA and she I think got it into us like kinda quickly

MA And then all her kids called you that so we just heard it and pretty soon it just naturally flowed but that was your name I had no idea at that time that Richard and Dick were like nickname like tricky Dick Nixon I had no idea that that was a nickname for that

RA. I probably didn’t either and probably at first I didn’t realize that it was a nickname for a body part either but starting school and even before school I mean I don’t know how that realization had come upon me and it was frightening

KA. So those did those family members make that realization to you

RA. I don’t know I know I had it I don’t know how

KA. So that was a very negative thing for you

RA. Absolutely yeah that was a it’s like OK maybe the one constant I had on my life you know was turned for the most part I just kind of went through life you know things happened but

KA. It Wasn’t at you

WHAT IS AN EXAMPLE OF GASLIGHTING

RA. Right it wasn’t I don’t know this was just seem more personal and more real to me and for me it was pretty quick because I think I was in school for it was a short period of time before there was parent teacher conference is and I remember Helen coming home to me and dad was there and then getting sitting me down and telling me that I had to stop turning around and hitting my neighbor at school and I literally was just like I didn’t understand because so you me to stop doing something that I’ve never done I didn’t understand that I was confused in there were some other things that she was saying in that I remember this moment of reflection and self reflection where it was like probably the first time I ever did that as a person I’m going OK what do I really what am I really doing like what because this none of this happened and of course as things progressed I realize where that was going that manipulation that that making me the problem making me the scapegoat when it came to the family and maybe some jealousy of my relationship with dad I don’t know but a divide and conquer type thing that was happening there because of course he believed her and I don’t really blame him for me she’s a grown-up I’m not and she went to the parent teacher conference right he didn’t so I mean I would understand that I get it but so that was quick for me where it was just like you’re not in Trade Wind anymore you’re not in Kansas anymore here this is weird it was just sort of a it was just weird and have been weird for me going over there and visiting and it just it just seem to get more weird and more weird

KA. So were you afraid all the time

RA No but I think there there was a point in time that I couldn’t pinpoint it that I knew something else was going to happen but I didn’t know when or what it was because it just kept happening because it was shortly after that that the booger thing started which would talk about later so it was just for me it was

BLENDING FAMILIES

KA Blending families is a tough process. But when Helen brought her children into the Archibald family, she didn’t want to blend the two families at all. She made sure to draw a line between her children and the Archibalds.

MA there’s the Archibalds and that family and then there’s y’all in the pedestal that you’re on not to put myself in any feel sorry for me that sort of thing that’s just the way it was and so I knew things were going south whenever she would constantly get me up in front of her brothers and sisters and the rest of the family anytime we went to the new House maybe it was her aunt maybe it was her brother maybe it was her grandma and we’re going to these houses in one of the things that she would love to do is say Mike and Richard y’all turn Richard y’all  turn and get back to back Family can y’all guess which ones the oldest and that you know they would always in she said you can you believe this  that he’s older than my Richard and at that moment I thought there was something it just where do you go with that

RA. I never saw that I never knew it and hearing it now

MA It was always a game that she wanted to just show them and I don’t know why you know eventually some people we catch on these for the few moments of fame and whenever they would say why would you ask that question he’s got to be the oldest one right here I see there I did have one time I think it was either her sister or somebody as we’d been there for a couple of days and Helen decided to break that one out and she she did that routine and Connie just said well obviously it’s Mike just the way he behaves shows that he’s a little older I don’t think the high five was invented yet but I was like there you go buddy but that was really the first part of the I got a separate these kids from my kids

WHAT IS GROOMING

KA Helen’s one exception was Ken Archibald, the oldest of the three boys, who was named after his father Kenneth. Ken offers a fascinating perspective on the story because, for whatever reason, he was allowed “behind enemy lines.”

KHA Yeah well and then the other standing joke if you will was uh who’s who’s

KA Oh

KHA And every time that that came up based upon our coloring I mean no one ever put me with the Archibald they always thought I belong to Helen always

KA Whoa

KHA And so uh because my hair was dark her hair was dark uh I wonder why. They would always. They got most of them right but they would always have me with with Helen and usually James with my dad

KA oh Wow

KHA And uh uh I just remember thinking you know that’s just doesn’t that’s just wrong. 

KA Just as it was with their mother, things were much easier when Dad was around. Unfortunately, that grew less common as time went on.

RA made a difference even later whether dad was there or not it made huge difference in my life if dad was there

MA. We were royalty

RA. We were it felt like it I mean we were just treated a little less bad but it was like different like a layer of protection went in to play

MA She went out of her way to show some somewhat some genuine affection like that a hug here when I’m like this is peculiar you’ve never even touched me ever and now you’re putting your arm around me I remember her using love you and I’m like what?! that doesn’t make a lot of sense

KA So if your dad was around she was putting on a show

MA It was amazing we were just counting the hours the minutes when we would hear a phone call happened and it would be dad calling that he was in and that he was going to come home for a while and I can hear her saying how are you turning the gate or are you in then he would say I’m not turning I didn’t hear him say that but I knew he was saying no and then she was you can spend some time at the house or whatever and I when he got home oh man it was we were protected and it wasn’t necessarily because he was protecting us it was just the type of I guess behavior Helen showed toward us wasn’t the same as when dad was around

RA Man I think was manipulating him

KA Right so did you ever have an opportunity to say this is you know things are odd to your dad

RA Early on I’m sure there are opportunities but 

MA. It Hadn’t gotten really bad yet Rich

RA In my world it seem like it had and admittedly it hadn’t because it was going to get a lot worse but I think that I believed he knew all of this stuff do you know grownups were all knowing you know what was that going to tell him that he didn’t now I don’t think I really realize that that he didn’t know this stuff what was going on so I just assumed that he either he there was nothing wrong with it or if there was he knew it so I didn’t even think about that it is never came to my mind I need to tell dad not then anyway

KA So was he aware or whenever she would compare sizes

MA. Oh he was there he was absolutely there he was with us in the room and I don’t ever thought dad you need it here’s the thing dad was gone so much and we were just trying to live in some sort of a lot sloppy place with mom who is obviously hooked on something I never saw dad is really my protector I mean why would I go to him and say Helen’s doing this I mean he to me I would’ve been wasting my time I never knew that he would actually hold me and say he loved me and that he cared for me and that he never once asked me how are you adjusting to this arrangement are you OK is there any none of that ever happen that was never a part of the equation

KA For you neither

RA Oh no same thing for me there was no I mean there’s maybe twice early on that I remember dad holding me once he had a few Budweiser‘s which he was not a drinker by the way for the most part but occasionally I think maybe he was feeling kind of good or something downstairs in the family room and so he was wanted me to come out by him

SHAMING SOMEONE

KA The stress of feeling unseen and unprotected was like a downward spiral. Helen saw that the Archibald children were alone and vulnerable, and she constantly found new ways to increase their shame.

MA it would be like Helen was an angel when dad was there and then she was the worst of evil when he would leave 

RA it was the first fall really that I went to school so I don’t it was different you know I wasn’t waiting on Marsha in Balch Springs for Mike to come home anymore it wasn’t that piece that’s for sure I don’t know you know I wet the bed till I was probably 12 and that was very shameful and Helen to some extent I guess I get it because she doesn’t like having to deal with it but who would so I would have to deal with that myself so it was getting used to remember how mom even dad me I was were a big old towel in front remember that

KA  no Pull-ups

RA. Yeah that’s right I didn’t get that anymore and so that was different it was embarrassing they weren’t really my people so you know it was like spending the night with someone and wetting the bed that’s every day

MA you were probably six or seven and Helen thought it would be quite embarrassing to you I don’t know if it was an actual tool she had in her holster she was ready to pull that at some point in time but I remember she went and bought the biggest size pampers that she could and do you remember and she just said Richard I want you to come I want you to lay down I’m gonna put one of these on you she never went through with it not that I recall and not that I had the courage to even take a peek around that corner to see if that was actually gonna happen

RA no I don’t even remember that

MA But it was broadcasted very loudly so that everyone would know something that was probably going to take place and just is sure a method to ridicule you even early on and I wish I hadn’t heard that you know 

KA yeah and that made you

MA I’m glad you don’t remember it

RA Yeah me too but I think I still have the feelings from it you know it’s the feeling I don’t remember each incident I just know it was not good for me

KA In time, Helen also used her power over the boys to her advantage.

EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE

RA I don’t know when but there were things like constant chores that at some point began for Mike and me and it was so clear that Mike and me no one else you know I continue to backing or whatever that I didn’t before but then that started turning into dishes getting the table ready for people to eat and I mean like getting up early for breakfast do to get that ready not cook breakfast but to just get everything ready and then do dishes before I left to go to school

KA. So you had to get up change your sheets get everyone’s breakfast dishes ready and wash their dishes before you went to school

RA  yes

KA. And then he went to school and

RA And I would go to school

KA. And did you have for their behaviors of other students like bullying behaviors that you experienced

RA. You know I don’t I little bit even in first grade people knew that Dick was kind of funky and so I got some bullying for that there was a time when Helen started like finding clothes for me that didn’t fit that were embarrassing shoes that intentionally didn’t fit and they would rub terrible blisters on my feet and I will get made fun of for that I don’t remember what grade that was I think it was immediate or not I don’t remember but then there came a time and it might’ve been quick it it might’ve not happen until the spring but Mike and me became our Lawn Maintenance people as well I mean is that like all we did it seem like

MA. Well we should’ve should’ve been more observant as you had already kind of undergone the main treatment by coming over I think Helen had a certain and I don’t mean first of all and never hurts anybody to get their hands dirty as strong work ethic so doing chores is some thing was something that was good for us you know to Richard‘s. I remember getting up in the morning and I can remember not being allowed to even get dressed we would take that I remember taking the garbage out as the sun was coming up in the backyard was a long stretch we called it the dog run so it was a good walk away from the house out to where there was an alley were cars can be crossing and I am out there taking out it in my underwear and like this is I’m just kind a looking helping Mr. Kirkland if hat there’s no big tall 8 foot  Picket fence he had a chain link and he’s always out there doing his his gardening and I’m like man I hope he doesn’t see me if he does let me half of you dude good work man but It was things like that to where she had for whatever reason thought there’s seven kids here cans out driving did he really intend for me to take care of all the stuff instead give like giving equal portions to everybody it really became for Richard and Mike show it to Richard’s point washing dishes he would wash and I’d dry; I would wash and he would dry. He was so little they had a stool that he could stand up on so that he could actually get to it

KA So how did she enforce that like were you afraid of her

MA  oh yeah

RA Yeah I mean she told us to do it what we’re gonna do not do it that didn’t ever even cross my mind

KA Wow so you just complied with her wishes wow I wonder what would’ve happened if you hadn’t

RA. Well I don’t I don’t think she let us get to that point I think she saw that possibility coming in so she was smart enough and devious enough I don’t know manipulative enough to start scaring us because I remember like OK so we would come home from school and she had clippers I don’t know if you guys remember the old style clippers it was before weedeaters I think that maybe they do had waiters and we just didn’t get to happen I don’t think they had him and he would squeeze in it would clip like scissors and all our chain-link fence around plus an extra one for the dog run the garage so we would clap and I mean I’m sure it wasn’t this long but it seem to me like I’ve probably spent two years of my life clipping to where he and I both had blisters on our hands and I can right good work ethic nothing wrong with doing chores even at six or seven fine but it was it was so separatist it was so you guys don’t really need to be in the house you know he sure it was almost like like they didn’t want us in the house unless it was to be doing a chore or some thing and strained it up at some point I don’t know when that was fine with me I would much rather be out clipping with Mike than in there with anybody else because it was pretty quick that Richard and Larry decided that I could be target practice or whatever so you know they would be learning there I don’t know like the kung fu movies were big back then 

MA Yes they were

RA and so they decided I was the one they would do come through on and then it got pretty brutal at times and again why I didn’t fight back I don’t know but back to why I think it’s because it got to where if we weren’t clipping fast enough or if we weren’t doing things in a way that she observed and that was right she would intervene in a pretty violent way with a switch like they’re the kind that has the thorns on it

KA. Oh from a rose bush

RA I guess and but it was just because we weren’t doing it fast enough or we weren’t you know I never I always remember that happening and always wondering to myself what how can I please her what did I do wrong because if I know I won’t do it but I didn’t I mean it wasn’t about pleasing her it was about not getting but I just did I didn’t know what to do different because there was nothing I could do different it was going to happen either way

MA I don’t know when that swap and how that changed to wear to your point that very quick honeymoon that we had but IT he just brought out a memory when we would come walking home we turn that corner to go to the house and she would already have all that yardwork supplies out so we knew what we had in store for us the first couple of times it happened it was more like oh it’s cat time of the season we need to get certain things done and I didn’t neither one of us I don’t think right away started to think what are the wire wire is Richard riding his bicycle and why is Connie getting to play Barbies why isn’t this and overall effort here I do Helen would make up excuses well Richard‘s got poison oak issues and if he gets near it he’s going to get this always had some reason why they can’t do it you know and so it was just pretty much me and Richard do it in May and it was so off and we would be clipping and just instead of using an edger we will just take this clippers and clip them at the height of the concrete all the way down and we just keep looking and it just keep going and keep going and keep going and we would think OK Richard will be at one in I’d be at the other end and we would just start working ourselves until we come together at  Richard’s far away from behind or on follow behind but at the end of the day we kind of get right there and we just keep going until we would meet and then Helen will come out and will be thinking she’s going to say well that’s great guys y’all come on and y’all headed to update come on in let’s get y’all cleaned up and it was like OK right there’s a chain-link fence I need y’all and so it would never end it would keep going and the only time and I remember this I would think the sun has gone down it is it is getting dark now I’m getting bit I’m kind of afraid what kind of wolf spider or whatever is underneath because I can’t even see it anymore

RA especially between Kirkland’s garage

MA Has he had that dog on garden and all that other stuff and I’m like when is she going to come out I mean did she forget us should we just go ahead and say hi Helen hey just by the way we were still out there but we’re going to go ahead and put out now wash it and have whatever for supper is left I mean everybody else I mean bedtime was 830 she had an early bedtime and I think most everybody else had already taken their baths and had already gotten ready and they’re pretty much ready to get in bed and we had even been called in yet the only time we get called in have any facsimile of a normal childhood life early on was when we would see the brown pick up have dad come pulling up

KA Well so no family members no neighbors recognize any of the signs of what was going on

MA No we’re just kids working and that’s OK

RA. At that point it was it was uncomfortable but it wasn’t it hadn’t gotten to the point yet where I would say OK I’m not dead so I’m all right it hadn’t gotten that way yet but it was it was just going down that path so yeah was very emotional abuse going on here absolutely but did we recognize it no probably not I mean we didn’t feel something wasn’t right we didn’t really know what other than this ladies weird 
KA Helen knew what she was doing. The eternal yardwork exiled Richard and Mike from their home and put them squarely in view of the whole neighborhood - but no one said anything. This only increased the feeling that no one would stand up for them, even if they tried to stand up for themselves.

KA so did you feel so alone

RA If if it hadn’t been for Mike I would have

KA so you’re still first third grade it’s spring time when the yardwork begins

RA Yeah I guess

KA. And that continues all summer is that what you did when you got out of school for the summer

RA. Man that is all I can remember really I mean she would and I don’t know when she did this but it’s a good example of of the never ending nature because like you know I was talking about we were clip along the fence line and long the garage line and stuff but literally she would use us as the edgers as well for the sidewalks in and out and so then we had this you would walk out of the the family room to sliding glass door and it had like a diamond shaped concrete that was probably 150 feet long you know I’m not good with that but something like that and that would lead to the back garage which was like a two car garage in the back and it was covered by some kind plastic or something

MA On that back patio with tarp or something

RA And on the side at least as I remember it rocks were there do I have that right

MA Yeah it was just part of the landscape 

RA It was like rocks little pebbles white rocks but there came a time where she said you guys need to pick all those up and put them in this trashcan and they weren’t tools involved it work there weren’t gloves involved it was pick them up with your hands and put them in the trashcan and then maybe she got mad and I didn’t I don’t really know what happened but suddenly she’s having this dump them all in and pick him them all back up again so that was kind of the never ending you know

KA Once Richard and Mike were outside of the house all day, every day, Helen finally turned on their older brother Ken.

 KHA Helen’s sister came to stay about two weeks with us and in the midst of that two-week period I suffered some sexual abuse and I didn’t really know it I think about it in that way until until after at the last decade of counseling but um my Aunt step aunt is what she would be was about 18 years old and I was 12 and um um she and Helen basically instigated the entire thing a

we created us a pallet on the floor because I slept I slept with my step brother because we didn’t have that many rooms and James and I shared a room and uh the first night we pretty much did pretty much everything you could

do except for have sex. And this is an 18 year old woman you know and uh

I was just remember knowing it was wrong but I was 12 years old and I was I was I was I was real unintelligible I was a grown up 12 year old uh and so I just remember I remember the next day that James was like “this was you know, this is not right” You know he’s basically and you know he wasn’t and we weren’t old enough for him to be going “Haha now what’d you do?” You know, he was like “ Something’s

weird about what you just did” laughing 

The next night it was added on. I mean literally they were promoting it

KA So here they were, three battered boys without a real mother, desperately waiting for that brown pick-up truck to bring their father home with some kind of salvation.